When you are raped, you will think thoughts like “I do not
remember what the sun looked like today.” You will not
remember what the sun looked like that day, but you will,
years later, find yourself wondering what the sun looked like
on the day that you were raped.
When his nails are sunk through your skin, and his hammer
through your flesh, you will think “my life is no longer mine.”
You will believe this for a long time, and even when you will
say that you have moved beyond that belief, you will still,
secretly, think it sometimes.
When you see his face contort itself to display a perfect
reflection of who you were, you will realize that you can
also feel your own face contort into a perfect reflection
of who he was. Do not worry—this is normal. His face
will show yours until he rapes another.
(Although, every time afterwards in which you look in
a mirror, you will see what used to be his face—it is
vitally important that you understand that you have not
become him. This is very important, and you must do
everything in your power to not forget.)
(You will forget this, though, and so when you feel
that burning hatred for yourself—you will feel a
burning hatred for yourself—at least remember that
it is not actually yourself that you hate, it is only the
imprint of him on yourself that you hate.)
When you are raped, you will be very, very afraid, and
you will feel confused and you will feel lonely and you
will feel dread and you will feel pain and you will feel
so many things, but you will feel like you feel nothing
because you have no words to describe a terror so pure.
(Neither do I)
After you are raped, when you are alone, you will
want nothing more than to feel the soft and warm
of an other person, and when you are surrounded
by others, you will want nothing more than to be
as alone as you were when you were raped.
When you are raped, it will already be over, even
though it never actually ends. When you are raped,
it will be so quiet. When you are raped, you will both
cry and not cry, sometimes at the same time. But mostly,
when you are raped, you will just feel so, so raped.